Oxford Mail

From football messageboards – stories of our times.

  Aberdeen

“I found out my now-wife was at the game, as a Bankies fan, with her dad and sister (he obviously wanted sons). She excitedly burst out ‘I was at that game too!’ She thought I might say ‘how romantic’ or ‘funny old world’, but I just said ‘4-3: get it up you!’ ”

  Arsenal

“The coach toilet didn’t have a light and I was mid-slash when the driver decided to cut down a slip road on to a roundabout and back up on to the motorway. I was thrown all over the place, and came back out through the door backwards with a damp patch down one leg.”

“They took the remote controls away from our Dixons as it was always full of blokes just going on teletext to look at the scores.”

  Aston Villa

“Got dropped off late by the coach, and when I asked a copper where the coaches would be after the game he simply turned his lapel over to show a West Ham badge and said “Do you think I am going to f*****g tell you?”

  Barnsley

“The station was pretty tense, with us trying to look like we’re just on our way home from work or something. Even when we got on the train and breathed a sigh of relief, a Brummie stuck his head in the window and shouted ‘fat bastard’ at my mate.”

“Millwall fans right next to us, fortunately behind railings. Wearing surgical masks. Stared at us all game – and hissed. Spooky.”

“We were in the away end at the Baseball Ground and some old bloke had been giving us stick from the tier above. That was until his glasses fell off and someone jumped all over them.”

“Leicester away, my mate was walking round a pool table chalking his cue and they’d left the cellar trap open.”

  Blackburn Rovers

“I remember being in the bogs behind the terrace at Huddersfield with a few other Rovers fans, trying to warm our hands around the solitary lightbulb.”

  Blackpool

“I got chucked in the back of a police van at Gigg Lane for what I can only think was being a ‘Pool fan and having a mullet.”

“Mansfield’s uncovered away end in a blizzard has a special place in Hades.”

“Got chased in Leicester back in the day, I ran into a carpet shop and hid between the rolls of carpet and my two mates jumped a wall and got arrested for trespassing on the railway.”

“Remember going to Barcelona for an England game. Pouring down with rain, police giving everyone grief and we ended up in a sex shop that served beer at the bottom of Las Ramblas. One euro a pint, place was packed and some very interesting reading material.”

  Bolton Wanderers

I was in the stand at the Den. The guy next to me had to be over 80 years old. Millwall had Man City’s old centre forward Alf Wood who almost broke the net with a cracking goal. Me: ‘That was some goal’. Old boy: ‘What’s it got to do with you, you norvern cant?’

“Never saw any ‘home fans only’ signs on the pubs down Manny Road on match days. Didn’t need them.”

“At Millwall there would be owd grannies frisbeeing steel bin lids at us from tenement balconies.”

“I was stood next to a copper on the away end at Southampton. It pissed down the whole 90 minutes, we were drenched. When our equaliser went in the copper jumped up punching the air. Turned out he was a Pompey fan.”

“I went on the League Liner to Bournemouth, it had a disco carriage at the back. Boiling hot when we got there and I remember walking through a park to the ground where we saw men playing a strange game with sticks. Later found out it was hockey.”

“My first away game with mates was Port Vale in 1983. I had no idea where it was and assumed it was some quaint fishing village.”

“Burnley had a mesh net that separated the home and away fans. It would split a red hot meat and potato pie into a multitude of burning projectiles.”

  Bournemouth

“On one trip up North the game got cancelled last minute. Miss Mancini pottered off to see a distant relative and the coach stayed on till she wandered back at would have been the end of the game.”

  Brechin City

“The terrace end bogs at Glebe Park used to be just a wall. Now they’re a wall with a shiny urinal nailed onto it that diverts the pish into a trough full of beech leaves.”

  Brentford

“Anyone used the loaf of bread tactic walking to or from an away ground? Carry a small loaf of bread with you all all times. If approached by some local no-gooders just say “What game? I’ve just been asked to pop out and get a loaf of bread, we’re visiting my Nan.”

“I went to Roots Hall in about 1978 with my friend. We were 14. This boy about 2 years older than us came over and started hassling us and tried to take my mate’s scarf. There was a really pathetic struggle and then he said ‘sorry’ and let go and walked off.”

  Brighton & Hove Albion

“We were at a petrol station and some Ipswich fans started singing ‘Going down’. Angered by this I – resplendent in my nun’s habits – stormed across the forecourt to issue a volley of abuse through the driver’s window. I often wonder what anyone watching made of it.”

“I have a surreal memory of a Spurs fan wearing a Donald Duck mask. Or maybe even an entire Donald Duck head.”

“I went to Ayresome Park with my girlfriend and she couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t let her talk on the way back to the car.”

“At the end of the game we were kept in for ages while they lit a bonfire in the stand to our left and burned policemen’s helmets.”

“At Cambridge in the 80s we were told we couldn’t have any onions on our burgers because the local residents complained about the smell.”

“I went to a grim 0-5 at Cleethorpes where the highlight was taking our fish and chips into a dry boozer. Wouldn’t have minded except we beat Charlton 7-0 the week before and that led to me spending 1/3 of my student grant getting there.”

  Bristol City

“The police at Millwall were brilliant but scary – ‘All Bristol supporters stay in the light, don’t stray from the path’ – it was like a cross between An American Werewolf In London and Jurassic Park.”

“September 1986 away to Chester City at Sealand Road. We won 3-0 and David Harle scored a 30 yarder. I remember some City fans climbing up to the back of the terrace and picking raspberries to take back with them on the journey home.”

“I got into an argument with the young man selling the food and drinks at Port Vale so he left the onions off my hot dog and put them in my Bovril.”

“A Sunderland fan in my office never spoke to me again, which was fine by me because I never understood a word he said.”

  Bristol Rovers

“Never really understood the point in beating up other fellow working class lads just because they follow a different football team. I’d fight to overthrow the monarchy or government or something, but not someone who is basically the same as me over nothing.”

“I felt a warm glow as I stood on the Tote End as a 12 year old without my Dad for the first time, only to realise it came from the bladdered skinhead behind me who’d been pissing down my back for the previous minute.”

“One snowy February day we were throwing snowballs at the brass band that walked around at half time, trying to get them into the tuba.”

  Burnley

“I asked a copper at Millwall what the safest way was back to my car, to which he replied ‘There isn’t one'”.

“I always remember walking up to the Longside and trying not to breathe in going past the bogs on the left hand side.”

“Remember playing at Wigan in winter, it had snowed and gone all slushy. We were freezing and it was shitty and my mate got charged £1.70 for a cheese burger. The lass simply chucked on a Kraft slice and it wasn’t melted or owt, 20p extra.”

  Burton Albion

“A youth asked if I wanted a tea and a pie. Naively I said yes, and he proceeded to tip the tea all over me, pushed the pie in my face and head butted me.”

  Cardiff City

“I recall sitting on the terraces at Springfield Park, surrounded by weeds and falling asleep as I’d had too much beer and the match was a dull 0-0.”

“We were marched around and around Eastville by the police before a new years fixture with Bristol Rovers in 1978, as the special was so early.”

“I got battered at Millwall and chased out of the ground. Caught a bus to Marble Arch, tube to Paddington, train to Hereford via Birmingham, train to Abergavenny, thumbed a lift to Brynmawr with 2 Pakistani doctors in a Ford Capri, walked home to Rhymney and all with about £2 in my pocket.”

“We got separated from the rest of the Wales fans in Nuremberg and a large mob came towards us – scarves on wrists, leather jackets, the lot. When we got up close we realised they’d all been to a David Hasselhoff concert.”

   Carlisle United

“Very first league game l went to was Barnet away. Didn’t know where l was going, so I followed a bloke in a Barnet shirt-to the cash machine.”

  Celtic

“Standing at the pie stall and using 2 circular foil pie holders to make a ‘speccy bastard’ gesture at a fella in the Rangers end. He was (un)surprisingly raging at this.”

“We were behind the Mount Florida goal, which was not such a good idea as that end was split half and half with a fence down the middle and we were showered with bottles and cans by the Aberdeen fans. My dad had a tin leg which made it hard for him to dodge missiles.”

“If my old dear insisted on taking me into town on a Saturday I always tried to engineer things so we would be near a TV shop around about full time. There was always a crowd of men at the window desperate for the scores to come up.”

“Uncovered end at Cappielow and there was a wind that had obviously rushed over from Greenland in order to see the game. By the time I got back on the train I was frozen like Han Solo at the end of The Empire Strikes Back.”

“I invested in an almost cremated sausage roll to use as a hand warmer.”

  Charlton Athletic

“Me and a mate sat next to two elderly gentleman, which saved us from a kicking when some Millwall entered our carriage. They made a comment that they would leave us alone as we were with our granddads.”

“The maniac hanging on to the emergency exit whilst yelling about his dislike for people from London was a bit of an experience, especially when he fell off, got back up and chased the bus down the road.”

“During the second half a copper was nattering to us. I mentioned that the natives seemed a tad hostile, he assured me that it was the 3000 outside without tickets that were the problem.”

“We were chucked out of the Antigallican and saw two dogs mating. My mate pushed them through the front door of the pub, still locked end to end. We looked in the door to see a screaming landlady spraying the two dogs with a fire extinguisher.”

“One of the Welling girls was called Carol. She had a record played for me at half time once called ‘Sweet Talking Guy’, which sounds good until you hear the words ‘Stay away from him, he will make you cry’. Then she rubbed my name off her jeans.”

“There was a bloke called Barry in the Covered End. He turned to my mate who had just bought a mug and said ‘Can I borrow that?’ My mate said ‘Yeah’, and Barry promptly ran down the front and smacked a Preston fan over the head with it.”

“Got talking to a guy who had what looked like a load of mini scaffolding sticking out the side of his head. He’d had a row with his brother and the pins were holding his face together. Didn’t take too kindly to my mate asking him if he could get Sky on it.”

“An ex girlfriend of mine used to work in the furniture shop on the Goldstone estate. She had an American come into her shop and insist on taking photos around a sofa on the spot where David Beckham scored his first ever free kick.”

“I remember being at a party once where Atilla the Stockbroker continually told me how shite Carl Leaburn was.”

“My father-in-law once asked for a hot dog at Welling, ‘with nothing on it, just onions’. He got a roll with just onions in it. I was picking myself off the floor as he explained he actually wanted a sausage as well.”

  Chelsea

“Walking round the allotments in ’87, Watford jumping out trying to look scary and someone from the Chelsea lot – heavily outnumbered – just laughing and saying loudly ‘Is that it then?’ and the Watford looking at each other, shrugging and walking off dejected.”

“We passed Jimmy Hill on the way up the motorway, he was commentating that night. Pulled up alongside him in our boozed up Escort estate and all stroked our chins at him along with various hand signs.”

“I always hated the walk to White Hart Lane from Seven Sisters. More ambushes there than in Sherwood Forest.”

“When I went to Stockport I got it confused with Southport and went to look for the beach.”

“I arrived early for a Millwall game and Terry Hurlock was in the car park rooting around in the boot of his car. Rightly or wrongly I just assumed he was hiding a gun.”

  Chester

“The Tranmere team stopped off at the Greyhound for a quick one on the way home and my Dad went over and dutifully collected all the autographs of the bastards who had just knocked us out of the Cup.”

  Chesterfield

“I went on the special train to Glasgow. It pulled into Carlisle station and stopped, and one bright spark jumped off and ran into the bar to get some cans, emerging with his arms full just as the train pulled out. He chased the train down the platform but missed it.”

“I remember going to school speech day on a Friday night, getting to the gates and thinking ‘I’ve not missed a match for 3 years, fuck it’ and legging it to Saltergate for a 0-0 with Southend.”

“When our keeper came to retrieve a wayward shot my Nan screamed at him ‘You’re fat and useless’. When I remonstrated with her that he was one of ours, she responded with ‘No he’s not, we play in blue and he’s in green’.”

“My dad lifted me over the turnstiles in the 70s when I was about 7 or 8 to sit in the stand. I didn’t like football at the time so have no recollection of the match, but I just remember a real big bloke with a massive beard swearing his ruddy head off all the way through.”

  Clydebank

“The pub had a licence from 8am as long as you bought food. Ended up absolutely gubbed by midday and a huge pile of uneaten bacon rolls in the corner. The boy who was driving had to jump out every 10 minutes to make sure the minibus hadn’t been nicked.”

  Coventry City

“I remember being at the Old Den and seeing Ronnie Farmer miss a penalty. I’m still convinced he did it on purpose to save our fans a battering.”

“I saw a car with a skeleton tied to its bumper going down the M1 to Wembley with a sign around its neck saying ‘103 years I’ve been waiting’.”

“Norwich away, some of them came into our section looking for trouble but the City fans were dancing to ‘Oh What A Night’ by Frankie Valli and ignored them, so they left looking confused.”

“We never ever once used our actual seats as my Dad always sat us in the press seats in the main stand so we had a table for the fish and chips he had smuggled in.”

“Came out of Man City and a group of about 30 decided to start following us. The car had broken down a mile away so we had to try and find it again. Never been so glad to see some coppers, although the bastards weren’t very happy to see us.”

“Travelled to Barnsley the night before the match and some local let us all crash at his house. When we ran out of beer the nutter went and broke into the off licence.”

“It made me laugh seeing a bloke at the back of the coach place his sandwich between his head and the window as an extra buffer (should that be buffet?) against the incoming debris.”

   Crewe Alexandra

“Tranmere, Friday night, walking back to the station on my own, followed by twelve year-olds on bikes going ‘Youse are crap, you are’ and trying to kick my arse, and having that thing where you’re a grown man and can’t hit kids but four of them might well take you down.”

   Crystal Palace

“Walking past a church in Stoke and their boys were hiding behind the gravestones. It was like being set upon by the dead. Even the congregation steamed in.”

“As we sat at the station we were bombarded by coins thrown by Watford fans on the other platform. My mate cottoned onto the fact they were throwing 10s and 50s at us, so we took it in turns to shout abuse and then duck as another shower of cash flew our way.”

“I have fond memories of standing at the back of the terracing at the Goldstone (where we were habitually awful) and being entertained by the running battles going on in the park behind the ground. It was better than the football.”

“We went to Portsmouth in 1967 when the Beatles had just released ‘I am the Walrus’. We had a whip round in the pub and bought loads of eggs, then went into the Portsmouth end and sang ‘We are the egg men’, and chucked all the eggs at them.”

“What stood out most to me was the Leicester fans to our left chanting ‘the watar in Majorcar don’t taste like what it ortar’ in their best cockney accents.”

“Malcolm Allison showed up for training one morning with porn actress Fiona Richmond in tow. Despite having no top she trained with the players and then joined them afterwards in the team bath tub.”

“I can’t remember anything about the game apart from stopping at Colchester Zoo in the afternoon and feeding polos to the brown bear, which was the only animal brave enough to come out in those temperatures.”

“I was the only one that stood my ground but that was due to the fact I was on crutches.”

“I had my girlfriend with me and walked right though the middle of them with an ‘Allison’s Eagles’ flag around my shoulders. They parted like the Red Sea and one said to his mate ‘spot the loony’.”

“I remember one year at the Den when seven or eight of us decided to go in with the home fans as it had never been much fun in the away end. There’s a time and a place to win 3-0 away and that wasn’t it.”

“I knew a bloke who won Spot the Ball, bought a Sierra Cosworth, smashed into a field and had to give the farmer £3k for the damage.”

   Darlington

“I threw a coke bottle at some York fans, which missed them and broke someone’s front window. I got arrested and gave a false name, but my parents’ telephone number. Their confusion turned into a lot of angry words and me not being allowed out to bathe in the noteriety.”

   Derby County

“I once had a sausage roll at Goodison that said ‘this product is at least 20% pork’ on the wrapper.”

  Doncaster Rovers

“Inside Vicarage Road we found ourselves being chased by various fans of other teams whose games had been called off, as well as Watford. I vaguely remember us forming an uneasy alliance with another bunch of fans (possibly Luton) to try and get out of there unscathed.”

  Dundee United

“The copper wifie was chatting to fans. Of course I said ‘What are you doing after the game?’ only to be told ‘Getting Tayside police to raid your buses on the way home.’ ”

  Everton

“I’ve worked as a steward at Man United on numerous occasions. The time I got crowd surfed by a load of Leeds fans lives long in the memory.”

“My late dad, rest his soul, had a few ales up West before our game at West Ham. He gets on the train and nods off shortly after leaving Charing Cross. Wakes up at the station surrounded by fellas getting off the train wearing blue scarves. This must be the place. He follows them to…The Den.”

“Got chased at Loftus Road and some big black dude on the door of a club shouted us and said ‘They won’t come in here.’ We ended up playing dominoes with a load of elderly West Indian blokes.”

“In the late 80s a pools syndicate I was in nearly won £1/4m. We debated what we’d have done with the big win and decided we’d buy Alan Harper and have him as the office “runner” to check the fax, sort the mail and do the Friday bacon butty run.”

  Exeter City

“Millwall 1980. We scored, I kept quiet, we won and I left the ground in an orderly fashion. Got onto the tube and made my way back to Finchley where I lived at the time. Left the train, left the station, checked behind me and then shouted; GOOOOAAAAAAAALL!”

  Fulham

“Fulham fans were never into violence. We had enough on our hands at just getting through 90 minutes without killing ourselves, let alone anybody else.”

“I took a full suitcase to a game at Griffin Park in the ’80s. A bit awkward on the terrace but things were quite tense between us at the time, and my luggage had the benefit of throwing Brentford’s hooligans off the scent on my way to and from the ground.”

“Once went to see Fulham play at Stockport. We were so crap that watching planes coming in to land at Manchester Airport was more interesting than the game.”

“Bloke buying a bottle of Panda Pop from a drink seller at the old Rainham End. When asked what flavour he wanted, he replied ‘Don’t care’ before proceeding to fuzz the bottle at the referee.”

“Went to Halifax on a Friday night and we won 2-1 with Crown scoring both, but I missed them as two kids up a tree by the away end were lobbing conkers at us.”

“Spotted a very young 70s version of myself sitting on the Rainham End wall by the corner flag in the Charlton game. Impossibly huge collars on my shirt, surprised I didn’t take flight in a stiff breeze.”

“I got the worst takeaway ever at Dagenham. The chicken was so undercooked I think it still had a pulse.”

“Does anyone remember the Exeter game in 1972 or did everyone else die of exposure and I’m the sole survivor?”

  Grimsby Town

“On my last trip to Highfield Road they welcomed us with a low level firework display, free pint glasses and a selection of pool table accessories.”

“We found an old style brown pay packet in the open corner and blew £25 on an Atari game, 5 flavour concentrates and a spare gas bottle for the Sodastream on the way home, mixed them up in a River Phoenix style frenzy and overgassed the soda. We were sick as fuck.”

“My mate was smacked straight in the face by a 25 yard screamer that knocked him off the barrier behind the ad boards and four feet onto the concrete. Then he left early, missed a last minute winner and got hit by a Wigan fan outside the ground.”

“There were huge queues of traffic en route, and in Newark the coaches were nose to tail and not moving. Dozens of folk jumped off into a nearby pub, grabbed a pint and walked about another 10 yards to pick the bus up again.”

“I got tied to the open corner seats against West Brom a week before getting married. Luckily the stewards unchained me at half time as it was raining.”

  Halifax Town

“I like the idea of football hooligans having a reading circle. I think A Clockwork Orange described what was already there rather than causing a new phenomenon. If it had any influence they’d have probably been wearing mascara and saying ‘yarbles’ instead of ‘bollocks’.”

“I was asked by a few colleagues to buy some Harrods jam, marmalade and tea for them on my trip South. When I got to the turnstiles the bag was confiscated in case I threw the jars on the pitch.”

“Got my divorce then on to the Shay for the win against Man City then the Acapulco at night and I still don’t know how I woke up in Mixenden.”

“Mick Kennedy did his washing in the launderette in West Vale every Friday. My Mum used to help him, I suppose as a very young lad back then he wouldn’t have had much clue how to use the machines.”

  Heart of Midlothian

“I heard a story from a referee that a certain linesman emptied out his kit for washing after doing a game at Cliftonhill, and a rat jumped out of the bag.”

“At a Blue Brazil-Stirling game, I was in the roofless and pitch-dark bog trying not to pish on any unseen fellow pishers when a low flying plane went over with lights flashing. A voice from the dark shouts “Don’t worry lads, its just a Red Cross parachute drop”.

“I remember as a boy being enthralled that Clydebank had an all seater stadium. It sounded impressive to me at the time. Then we got there and the seats were like wooden planks laid down on a muddy hill.”

“Mid 70’s at Stirling Albion, time of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, about 150 Hearts fans riding down the road on invisible horses singing Brave, Brave Sir Robin. At one house the guy came out waving a shotgun because some of them were pissing in his garden.”

“I got my face circled to win £25 from the pink paper. Bought myself the black and blue inter style Hearts top with the winnings. Miss the pink paper.”

“We used to get Wagon Wheels the size of plates at half-time.”

“My uncle was a proper gentleman, I’d never heard him say a bad word in my short life until that whistle blew to start the game. I stood there staring up at him with my mouth wide open, thinking who is this man, while he shouted one swear word after another.”

“The first game my dad took me to was a 6-0 win against Moscow Torpedo. Thought it was always going to be like that and pestered him to take me back. He did, for a game against Kilmarnock which we lost 3-2 with Gordon Marshall staggering around with concussion.”

“My dad took me to a game when I was aged 7 and we sat in the main stand. Can’t remember a thing about the game but never forgot the pie at half time as we just didn’t get many treats like that in the 1950s.”

  Hibernian

“Once, many years ago, my mate Eddie Whoriskey and I left our scarves on the bus and went to the main stand at Ibrox ‘where all the old men go’ to avoid trouble. Aye, auld men with razor scars and bits of ear missing. Never felt hatred in the air like it.”

“The Bohemians friendly at Easter Road was one of the worst games I’ve ever witnessed. I would’ve wanted a refund if it wasn’t free to get in.”

  Huddersfield Town

“Somerton Park was never anything but a hell-hole. They only had 3,000 or so fans but they were nearly all nutters.”

“At Millwall the mounted police looked like vagrants, with long, scruffy capes. Their horses looked ill as well.”

  Hull City

“I remember being mugged on Bunker’s by some wedge haired Lyle and Scott wearing ‘trendy’ during the friendly against the Tampa Bay Rowdies. Probably around 84 I would guess, that’s obviously the year and not the age of the arsehole who turned me over.”

“Last time I saw Frank Worthington was probably in Birmingham city centre in late 1998. I was about to enter the Crown Courts to renew my alcohol licence and Frank was leaving the pub opposite, raising his collar against the wind and attempting to light a fag.”

  Leeds United

“They put that LS9 flag behind the stage at the Duchess for the first Farm gig in Leeds. First thing Hooton did when he came on was tear it off and throw it into the crowd. Electric atmosphere that night. The management turned off the power and they just kept on playing,”

“There was that time at Plymouth when we all went back to Torquay, and by the time the police had shut down all the pubs a motley crew had set themselves adrift on someone else’s yacht and they had to get rescued by the lifeboat people.”

“Left the pub in the middle of Wolverhampton carnival, so thought it a good idea to jump on the back of a float giving it a loud rendition of ‘We are Leeds’. Locals took great offence and caught us in BHS where we took a bit of a beating.”

“A copper got on the coach and told us they had a problem with football hooliganism and were losing it. Then he disappeared and left us to our own devices.”

“We got legged into a sheet music shop in Bolton in 1982 and had to pretend we were thinking of buying a Bontempi organ.”

“McCluskey scored and the fences were full of cheering nuns, the Hulk, the Hofmeister Bear, Captain Caveman, the lad in a cop uniform and pig mask who had been on the back of the horse chasing a lad with a ball and chain round his ankle and a convict suit on.”

“I went to Barnsley in the winter. The doctors were marvellous and saved most of my toes.”

  Leicester City

“Peterborough away a few years ago, I lost my shoe down a manhole. Looked a right twat.”

“I won a bet with the local off licence that we’d win the World Cup, and my prize was his life size World Cup Willie cardboard cut out which I think was used to advertise Watneys’ Party Sevens.”

“I was suffering on the way up to Sunderland. Too much Tiger Milk in the French Revolution the night before.”

“Couldn’t find my car after a game in Stoke, and in an effort to show I wasn’t from out of town wandered around refusing to look lost for over an hour.”

    Liverpool

“Elland Road in the Shankly days. Picking me way back to the station, no colours, got stoned by Leeds fans, got out of that then immediately afterwards stoned by Liverpool fans. It was like a scene out of the bible. Or a Monty Python sketch.”

“The Boys’ Pen at Anfield. Got robbed of everything the first time I was there. Those fellas had beards, that’s how old they were.”

“My mate and I hid in a ladies’ clothes shop in the Bull Ring after being legged by Villa fans. They made us a cup of tea.”

“My mate won the pools on the last day of the Kop vs Norwich. His missus came in the Cabbage Hall to tell him and he thought someone had died.”

  Manchester City

“Typical West Midlands police stopped the fun by deflating Frankenstein.”

“The old Kippax bogs had a shallow end and a deep end.”

“I ended up in the players lounge after the game and Keith Curle kept mithering me for cigs. I bumped into him at Wilmslow station about 15 years later and asked him if he had the packet of B & H he owed me. Just gave me a strange look and rapidly did one.”

“We were so excited we got to the game at about 1pm and hung around eating chips. That was until a mob of about a hundred Scousers turned up and proceeded to batter anyone in sight. Never ran so fast in my life but remember not dropping any chips.”

“As a kid, falling backwards from the white wall onto the running track and landing on my head after Bobby McDonald made it 3-1 in the ‘81 FA Cup quarter-final replay against Everton. A big fat rozzer of the old school picked me up, gave me a shake and shouted ‘We’re going to Wembley this year, lad’ before casually plonking me back on the wall like a fisherman chucking one back in because it was too small.”

“A mad Scottish fan we stood with used to say things like ‘I’ve been stabbed and slashed for this club’ and ‘I remember when Maine Road was a fortress, a bastion of invincibility’.”

“Remember about a hundred West Ham coming into the Kippax when there was no segregation, brave bastards. The funny thing was one of the West Ham fans was the English teacher from our school.”

“At Coventry in the 70s we went on a flyover over home fans going to the game, gave them a load of shit then watched in horror as the coach driver took a wrong turn and went back over them again. We turned up at the ground looking like we’d been hit by a wrecking ball.”

“A mate of mine was on a coach in the 60s that took a 6 foot butty cabinet from a service station. They got 5 miles down the motorway before a police car stopped them and told them to take it back.”

“You wouldn’t believe how much practising of Cockney/Scouse/Brum accents some of us did on the way to the more dangerous grounds.”

“Ipswich and Norwich had a weird population, three girls to each lad. Most of their crews were girls, you could get a shag at half time.”

“Asa Hartford scored a late winner for us and I got back to the coaches just as about 40 of them came out of an entry armed with sticks and bricks and stormed our bus. Helen belted one of them on the head with her bell.”

“I chased the bloke towards the Main Stand. I couldn’t believe he ran after starting the confrontation. Mind you I was wearing winkle pickers, we were all going to see Sisters of Mercy after the match.”

“After the game I met my cousin near the Whitworth and we walked back into town and then went to see the Thompson Twins at the Apollo. So a bad day got worse.”

“The battle spilled onto the Parkway and a load of lads jumped the fence into William Hulmes Grammar where a game of cricket was going on, and caused a rapid abandonment. It would be interesting to have seen the reason given on the scorecard.”

“My uncle, a a respectable grey haired man in his car coat, always used to wait at the end of the game for everyone to clear off and he would take his time leaving. He was encouraged to leave by a police dog that day.”

  Manchester United

“There was a crowd of Stretty girls that sang Bay City Rollers songs. Always well made up with Ben Sherman shirts, jeans and monkey boots. The one I fancied had a fur-lined denim jacket, still remember her stomping to Dave & Ansell Collins’ ‘I am the Magnificent.'”

“Imagine being on the Kippax in the 70s wearing a half-and-half. You’d get your head kicked in by both sides.”

“Never understood the coppers at Forest lining us up in columns of 3 when only 2 would fit on the pavement, then smashing us with their truncheons or ramming us with their horses when we stepped on the road.”

“My Dad was at Wembley for the 79 Cup Final. He used the mortgage money to buy his ticket and returned to my Mum literally in tears. We lost, brutally, and somebody snapped his flag. Mum didn’t talk to him for days and I was bought up to hate Arsenal.”

“I missed the Hibs of Malta game because I was painting my Mam’s kitchen ceiling. I only remembered when I heard the crowd roar halfway through. I was mortified.”

  Middlesbrough

“Saw a scuffle in Albert Park where a Spurs fan thought he was hard and took his shirt off for a scrap. Some young Boro fan lifted it and the bloke had to sit through the game without a top on, bit cold that in November.”

“West Ham, 1975, hundreds of East End urchins to greet us and not a copper in sight. One of our trusty crew screams ‘We’re all gonna die’, then sees an old dear stood in her front garden, runs past her into the house and slams the door behind him.”

“I was in the Holgate once as a child, I remember it reeking of Bovril, urine and fags. A bit like my Nana’s house really.”

“When we got to the top I was suddenly struck by the view – the green of the pitch and the red and blue of the players’ shirts. It was in colour! I’d only ever seen football in black and white and it never occurred to me that in real life it would be in colour.”

“My mate’s Dad was a real gentle fella. He was nice enough to drive us to Carlisle away where his car got bricked. He didn’t take us to any more games after that.”

“The only entertaining thing about the match was when Jasper Carrot came on at half time and proceeded to tackle 11 lifesize cardboard cut out footballers.”

“Remember going through Chesterfield on the special train in 1988 on the way to Derby. As we passed the famous crooked spire, a lad said ‘Ow, look at that church, its not plumb’.”

“Best grafitti ever was ‘BORO RIOT SQADE’ sprayed on Southampton’s ground circa 1980.”

“We broke down in Luton on the way to Stamford Bridge and Midge Ure gave me, my uncle and my cousin a lift.”

  Millwall

“I was taking a pee in the toilet in the Ilderton Rd end in the early eighties when Millwall scored a goal, and the bloke standing near me at the urinal went running back to the stand with his old Hampton still in his hand and was nicked by a waiting copper for indecent exposure.”

  Newcastle United

“The first football memory I have is the Mackems being on the telly and my dad wanting the opposition to win. I said to him ‘You’d support them if they were playing in Europe though, wouldn’t you?’ to which he replied “You’ll never have to worry about that, son.’ ”

“I was at the Celtic friendly in the 60s, After the game I went to the Miners’ Welfare in Wallsend and a bus from a Fife branch of the Celtic supporters club was there. I ended up on the bus and was fed bottles of Broon in return for singing the Blaydon Races.”

“There was a miserable old bat barmaid in the Haymarket Hotel who would poke you with a window pole if you made ower much noise.”

“You could always tell when a home game was coming up as my school used to end up empty of bog rolls on the Friday before.”

“We played Chelsea in the early 80s and someone climbed up onto the scoreboard and removed the letters C & H from Chelsea and the Gallowgate started singing “Elsie, Elsie’.”

“I was in the Gallowgate when a border collie ran on the pitch just as Terry Hibbitt was about to take a free kick. Peter Withe made a diving tackle to get the dog but he missed.”

“I remember my Dad going to Wembley in 1976 for the League Cup Final. I had no idea if they had won or lost, he was that pissed when he came home.”

“The old gadgie who used to walk round the pitch in his black and white suit brought his Manchester United oppo with him. Silly sod stood in front of the Leazes and was met with a hail of peanuts and pies. Had to swiftly put up his umbrella and leg it.”

  Northampton Town

“I told George Reilly he was a useless twat when I was about 12, and then shit myself every time he came close to take a throw in.”

“Buster Bloodvessel ‘performed’ Lip Up Fatty on the pitch and we drew 2-2.”

“I was disappointed to see Steve Ogrizovic enjoying a cigarette in the players entrance after the Coventry FA Cup game, as there’d been a ‘Footballers don’t smoke’ campaign at my school the week before.”

“Double Decker Jimmy’s bus broke down in the middle lane at a set of traffic lights in Islington on the way home from Millwall, and the police asked us all to push it to the side of the road.”

“I felt a strange warm wetness down the back of my jeans whilst standing in a packed Hotel End and turned around to see some grebo relieving himself behind me. I then had to explain to my mum why the Cortina smelt of piss.”

  Norwich City

“Handlebars was a nasty so and so. Nearly 7′ tall with a wonderful handlebar moustache, so he stood out when he was sorting out hooligans. He was still only a PC when he retired because of the unconventional violent ways he used to deal with persons committing offences.”

“I can”t remember too much about the football other than Tony Currie swearing at me because I was slow giving him the ball back.”

I remember two old women in the Barclay who were bloody abusive. I couldn’t believe it when one of them started shouting, ‘Biggins, you’re a c**’t.’ Now I wasn’t Wayne Biggins’ biggest fan, but blimey.”

“By the time we were out and making our way to the station, Gillingham fans had inexplicably circled the stadium and surrounding houses and were coming the other way like zombies from a Romero film.”

  Nottingham Forest

“Swansea at home, an announcement over the PA ‘Mr Smith, your wife has given birth to a baby boy’, and the man behind me says ‘Poor bloke, he’s had to sit through this rubbish and now he’s got to get his own tea.’ ”

“I made the “Mucking Fagic” banner for the League Cup final v Liverpool. I got the idea from a T shirt I won at Goose Fair. It was a picture of Selwyn Froggitt with thumbs up saying ‘Mucking Fagic our Maurice’.”

“Against Liverpool Brian Moore was conducting an interview from a makeshift studio built on scaffolding at the back of the Bridgford End. Some scally climbed up, and you could see and hear him shouting ‘Hey Brian Moooure, can you hear me, you twat?’ “

“Crossing the road outside The Hawthorns many years ago after a tense match with the Albion, Gary Newbon drove his car across my foot. The git didn’t even realize and just kept on going.”

“I once decided to go in the Trent End carrying two carrier bags full of shopping – Sainsbury’s, enough for tea, that sort of thing. After Forest scored their second there wasn’t much left.”

  Notts County

“A group of us were taken to Stratford by the English Department in ‘96. Just so happened to be Scotland’s Euro 96 training base. Closest I got to understanding Macbeth was watching Colin Hendry kicking people in training matches.”

“I went in the Boleyn Arms with my old man and trotted off to the ladies. When l mentioned how surprisingly clean they were on my return, he pointed out that I was the only woman in the pub.”

  Oldham Athletic

“I distinctly remember losing 5-0 at Bournemouth early 1971. We travelled down on the Football League Liner train with the disco carriage on the back end playing Northern Soul.”

  Partick Thistle

“We found a stash of scuddy books in the ball-boys’ room and a huge argument took place about whether we should divvy them up equally, in preference of age, or leave them be in case they belonged to someone important and we got sacked or someone scary and we got a doin’.”

“Remember beating Dundee 3-0 1979 approx, and singing Rupert the Bear at a Dundee fan in tartan trousers as the Dundee fans headed off.”

“Someone threw a pie onto the pitch and a seagull swooped down and grabbed it up in one movement and the Shed sang ‘SEAGULL, SEAGULL.’ ”

“I met John Workman in town after a midweek victory in the dark days and he asked me and my mate if we wanted to go up the dancin’ with him and a couple of burds.”

“The pub had a massive mirror behind the bar with Andy Goram engraved on it. I’m sure I saw the banjo player from Deliverance having a quiet pint of turps in the corner.”

  Plymouth Argyle

“Wally Arnold coaches used to leave Bretonside at midnight and we’d arrive at about 8.30am with nothing to do until the pubs opened. I remember stopping at Gordano and watching all the sandwiches and snacks disappear as if a plague of locusts had just arrived.”

“Lost my Grandad at the Everton game in 1975. My Dad and I found him standing on a bank of grass, watching the scrapping going on in Central Park.”

“On the way to Charlton a pheasant smashed through the coach window and landed on a screaming girl’s lap. Evening match and we had to travel the rest of the way in freezing conditions. We lost as well.”

“We hitched to Hereford and it took 24 hours to get there. Two of us had to sleep upright in a telephone box in the middle of the Forest of Dean.”

“He ran into a locals’ pub in Exeter brandishing an old car crank handle and shouted ‘Anyone want to start anything?’ “

“My friend and I got a lift to Stamford Bridge in an open top Alfa Romeo and were treated to two free meals on the way by the driver, who was a Good Food Guide critic.”

“At Gordano services it cost 30p for a banger, 20p for an egg, 10p for fried bread etc. I paid 45p for an egg and beans having eaten most of a full English in the queue.”

“We hitched to Oxford one year, that took a while. Mind you I don’t think i would have stopped to pick up two skinheads stood on the side of the road either.”

  Portsmouth

“I met Tony Gubba many, many years ago while trainspotting on Reading station (us not him).”

“In 1983-84 I only missed three games home and away. Hereford away in the Milk Cup, Palace at home due to appendicitis and Villa at home in the Milk Cup due to a Gary Numan concert.”

  Preston North End

“I went on a fancy dress away trip to Shrewsbury and had to rescue a guy dressed as Pinocchio being chased by some nuns”.

  Queens Park Rangers

“I’d dragged three non-QPR mates who weren’t even that in to football along to Saltergate with me. They hated me for taking them to stand in the rain with a couple of hundred other miserable men.”

“When it was all going a bit mental outside and the Vale fans had locked themselves in their bar, a teenage QPR fan got bitten by a police dog. Brian Rowe came over to stop the lad getting arrested, and one of the horses bit his ear.”

“Brunton Park must have been the only ground in the country where you could stare out at scenery complete with cows and haystacks while watching your team play at the highest level in English football.”

   Rangers

“Albertz taking shots in at the Copland. One sails just over the bar, heading for a boy coming down the stairs on crutches. Swings crutch at ball, misses, gets hit full in the face and falls backward into a boy carrying wee towers of pies and bovril. Carnage.”

“Took about 6 hours to get to Chesterfield on the train, to be marched up to the ground by police with dogs on one side and horses on the other. Coming back two older bears drunk and growling at me to shut the fucking windae, which is really hard to do when there’s no glass in it.”

“We didn’t get back into Queen Street until 3am. At first people were just pulling the cord because they were pissed off at the defeat, but then as we got closer to Glasgow they started pulling it when the train was nearest to where they lived.”

“The toilet at Brockville was an ex pie stall under the stand. They never filled in the hatch.”

“I went to a midweek game at Arbroath in the 70s which Ernest Shackleton wouldn’t have survived.”

“The river burst its banks in Kilmarnock and people ended up swimming across Morrisons’ car park to get their bus.”

  Reading

“I remember some guy getting turfed out in the early ’80’s, being carried past the South Bank by two coppers with another one behind them carrying the bloke’s false leg.”

“In the early Seventies we played Hartlepool on a wet Saturday afternoon, they had just two fans behind the Reading end and one of them got thrown out by the police for threatening the Reading fans on the South Bank.”

“Stalactites formed in the bogs behind the Tilehurst End. Took great interest in their downward progress over the decades.”

  Rochdale

“I remember taking my first girlfriend on a date to one of those supporters’ club nights and dancing to Chansons d’Amour. I didn’t see her again after that, she ended up marrying Geoff Thomas the footballer.”

“We all dived into a furniture removal van and went to the Racecourse Ground. When we stopped for a beer on the way home a fully cooked suckling pig magically appeared in the back of the van.”

“I used to strip to my Y fronts and wade in the River Roch (9th hole) looking for lost golf balls, there was always a few in there. The aim was to make enough money to get up to Spotland for the game and cover the entrance fee.”

  St Johnstone

“I once got Alex Caldwell to autograph my homework book. Teacher wasn’t best pleased though.”

  St Mirren

“First away game I can really remember was the Motherwell cup match in ’77 with about 20 people in the back of Alan McCaw’s transit van that he delivered the rolls in from the bakery.”

  Sheffield United

“In the 1980 match at Cleethorpes there was a lot of bother. A pub was smashed up and I remember skirmishes on the road to Blundell Park. I also remember watching two old ladies sitting on a bus in packamacs, pointing at the fighting and laughing at it all.”

“Trenton Wiggan could run like a whippet. Occasionally he did it with the ball too.”

“Doncaster away 20 odd years ago in the Cup. In a cage, no roof, coppers being twats and a bomb site of a car park covered in puddles awaited after getting out of the one open gate.”

“The Cambridge away end was terrible. One unique feature was the midges swarming over from the marshland behind.”

  Sheffield Wednesday

“Losing 3-0 to Leeds and stupidly going for a drink in the Waggon and Horses, followed by being chased up the hard shoulder of the M621. We ended up heading towards Hull on foot and Rodney ran into a branch.”

“British Rail actually had a disco carriage that was used on a rota basis by different football special trains. It came with a dance floor area and lights etc. I don’t think we ever got it. Probably for the best.”

“I remember trying to speak Scouse buying a bag of chips opposite Anfield in the 80s. About as mad as it got for me. I was only a short arse.”

“Susan Tully from Eastenders was sat in front of me. Being a right drunk knob I got me soaps mixed up and kept asking her how Curly was.”

“Who was sat there but big Ron Atkinson! I was in awe, first proper celebrity I’d ever met except Bobby Knutt and that bin man who stayed at Hilda Ogden’s.”

“The Fulham away end had square crush barriers you could put a pint on. Once did that and when I came to take a drink the beer had frozen.”

“Following a game at Portsmouth we were invited by a Pompey couple to go back to theirs for some fun. We didn’t oblige.”

“Coventry away ages ago as a nipper, our entire support were all skinheads or so it seemed. Couldn’t wait to get my head shaved for the following week.”

“Arrived home from Coventry at 9pm and told my Ma the film was that good I stayed in the flicks and watched it three times.”

“The graffiti at Newcastle station said ‘Welcome to Death City’. Even the grannies out shopping would stop and glare.”

“Some of us stayed on to go to Wigan Casino later that night. I’ve never seen so many black eyes and bumps and bruises on a dancefloor.”

“I spent the whole trip back from Exeter in the bar/buffet with the London Owls…and also, strangely, the referee. He had the signed match ball with him and he got totally bloody slaughtered.”

  Shrewsbury Town

“A load of us bunked off to go to Aldershot after convincing our parents to write sick notes, then posed with our flags and scarves for the Shrewsbury Chronicle as we boarded the coaches. About 30 copped detentions for a week and were branded ‘The Aldershot Squad.’ ”

  Southampton

“Violent intimidation from female Brummie skinheads could be many a man’s fantasy. Not mine.”

“The celery chap was mad as a box of frogs. He wore a leather jacket, white polo jumper and red and white bar scarf. He would arrive seconds before kick off to rapturous applause and cheering like the arrival of a king, produce his bunch of celery and hold it aloft.”

“Whilst hiding from Millwall fans in Debenhams we saw a right dodgy group of geezers walking in. It was only after they went by that we realised it was a group of burly minders and The Jam who were playing in town later that night.”

“The whole Portsmouth end emptied. I asked my old man where they were going. ‘Round here, I expect’ was his reply.”

“I once saw a Man U fan at the mercy of a group of Saints casuals outside The Dell. He was on the floor, being hit with Burberry umbrellas by 3 or 4 chaps all wearing deerstalker hats. It looked like a Poirot fan had strayed into a Sherlock Holmes convention and called Basil Rathbone a c**t.”

   Southend United

“It was our first visit to Vicarage Road. A bit lost on the outskirts, we asked a milkman wearing a Watford scarf for directions. He kindly outlined a route for us which promptly took us out of Watford in the opposite direction.”

  Stoke City

“The St. John’s went into the crowd with a stretcher, and a couple of minutes later folks were clapping and laughing at this huge Wolves skinhead sitting upright on the stretcher wearing a St. John’s hat at a jaunty angle. He was paraded about until the Old Bill got him.”

“It was one of those pubs where you could buy anything. I actually saw a bloke run through the front door and straight out the back with half a pig lifted from the butchers’ round the corner. They cut it up with a hacksaw and were selling very thickly cut bacon an hour or so later.”

“The Metropolitan Police stopped and searched the van. They were a bit shouty and finger pointy and only left after confiscating what was left of the pies, oatcakes and beer.”

“I burned my pink panther after we lost to Leicester.”

“At Grimsby there were no pubs open near the ground so the only place to keep warm was the sex shop.”

  Sunderland

“We used to hire removal vans ‘cos they were cheaper than a minibus. The lads in the back would set up a card table, lights and music. They’d urinate by pulling up the roller-door and hanging to the top with one hand.”

“At Barnsley coming out of the ground the locals tried the old what’s the time routine, only to have my then wife give them a mouthful in Welsh which confused the shit out of them.”

“We were kept behind for an hour and then everyone was escorted to the train station, and I mean everyone. Even those whose cars were parked beside the ground and those who’d made the journey by coach.“

“You’d eat as much as you could in the motorway service station food queue before you reached the checkout. Duffel coat hoods were filled with sausages. I’ve seen fried eggs and baked beans in duffel coat hoods before now.”

“They made me answer three questions on Middlesbrough history to prove I was a Boro fan. Luckily I got away with it.”

“My Dad swore blind that one time at West Ham the home fans threw a swan into the away section. I always doubted that one.”

“There always seemed to be one of those terraced houses next to Ayresome getting some work done with a skip full of rubble outside.”

“I remember walking down to the bogs on the Special, seeing the boot boys smoking like chimneys, playing cards, reading porny mags and necking back cans of Norseman, Double Maxim and Camerons and thinking how great it was.”

“We got ambushed just outside Seaham. Skinheads in a field were lobbing turnips at the train.”

  Swindon Town

“100 skins came running at us near the old bus station shouting …. I thought we were dead, but they were shouting at us to help them turn a minibus over on its side. It went over and we carried on to the station unscathed.”

“Coming out of Carlisle’s ground my brother fell down a grass bank into a big puddle, and then my best mate walked into a lamp post as we were being herded back to the station.”

  Swansea City

“Trip to Blackpool after losing at Deepdale in 86 was a memorable day. Arrived home with a 6 foot tall cuddly elephant called Ivor, won on the pleasure beach, which I had to carry in front on me on my Yamaha YB100 as I drove home at 5 o clock in the morning.”

  Torquay United

“At the 1979 pre-season friendly against Oxford United, the Oxford fans took the Torquay end simply by turning up early and chasing the dozen Torquay fans out of it. The Oxford hoolies were wearing t-shirts with ‘London border’ written on them.”

“We went to Wimbledon banger racing after the game and got accosted by some Arsenal fans thinking we were Wimbledon supporters with our yellow and blue colours on. When they realised we were Torquay fans they seemed to lose the will.”

“A crowd of Pompey bovver-boys stood in front of me and demanded my scarf. Just as I was about to meekly hand it over my girlfriend stepped in front of me, pointed her finger at them and stated that she’d knitted that scarf for my birthday present and if anyone touched it she’d deal with them.”

  Tottenham Hotspur

“It kicked off with Arsenal fans and I ran into the nearest toilets for cover. Never forget being wedged inside a cubicle with (among other randoms) the burger guy. He had the foresight to park his burger trolley in the cubicle next door.”

“The Spurs Supporters’ Club brought in a four cans each rule for away trips, so we showed up with four Party Sevens each at Kings Cross for the next game. Even the police were laughing (they did in those days).”

“They were selling raffle tickets for Johnny Pratt’s testimonial and our carriage won. It was a bottle of Johnnie Walker’s that had the label up the wrong way. We emptied the contents between Euston and Burnley and staggered off into town drunk as skunks.”

  Tranmere Rovers

“I went to watch Rovers at Spotland in ’84 with a carrier bag of fruit from Rochdale market. I was jumped after the match, dropped the bag and was pelted with the fruit as I legged it.”

“Bury away. Game called off, had a shotgun pulled on us and then a massive snowball fight with the police at Lime St on the way back.”

“40 in a box van to Halifax so we had to lose weight to get up the hill. Like a Zeppelin peppered with tracer bullets we lost ballast by chucking the roller shutter down the hard shoulder. Arrived 15 minutes before full time in three police vans.”

“Got chucked out of Saltergate when I was about 12 for throwing a British Rail bog roll on when Rovers came out.”

“I was chucked out for a one man pitch invasion when the second goal went in, dressed in a knee length electric blue mac that I later sold to the fella from Half Man, Half Biscuit.”

“This pub in Halifax had a great pile of 2 pence pieces on the bar with a poster ‘Saturday night: charity appearance by Billy Bremner to knock down the 2ps.”  I came out of the bogs, stumbled and did Billy’s job for him.”

  Walsall

“Four of us went, but with only three tickets. Had to deal with a spiv outside the marble halls, Private Walker’s double…trilby, tache, the lot. He was shit scared of the plod, and spoke in one word sentences whilst walking past us to and fro like an apparition.”

“Our coach driver made a point of telling us that he and some of the other drivers spent the afternoon in a café across the road from where the coaches were parked up, and Arthur Mullard had come in for his regular fry up.”

“Last time I went to a game at Hartlepool I didn’t thaw out until Chesterfield. One day they’ll find a fully-preserved, deep-frozen woolly mammoth and I’ll know it was there the same day as me.”

  Watford

“I was a policeman on duty next to our fans at White Hart Lane when we won 5-1, and I went mad as the game progressed. So much so that I was discreetly escorted out on the orders of my Chief Superintendent, and locked in a police van for the last 10 minutes.”

“We quickly learnt that skint, unshaven, badly dressed, elderly men clutching the Sporting Life were the worst tipsters…which was why they were skint, unshaven, badly dressed, elderly men.”

“You can see one end of the pitch from a window in the maternity unit. My first kid was born as Tommy Mooney scored the third goal against Bristol City.”

“Some of the players were playing cards for smarties. When I suggested to Dennis Bond that they should play for wine gums he told me to fuck off.”

  West Bromwich Albion

“I remember going to Derby on a football special and my mate getting bit by a police dog, poor sod missed the game (my mate not the dog).”

“All the pubs were shut. I banged on the door of one where there was obviously something going on inside. Guy opened it, said ‘No football fans.’ I said ‘ We’re on holiday’. He let us in and it was full of Albion fans in beachwear.”

“I remember going in the Cock the day after Leeds smashed it up and asking the gaffer why he even let them in. He said the cost of a few new glasses and the odd chair was peanuts compared to the amount of money he took over the bar.”

  Wigan Athletic

“The coppers confiscated our Doc Martens before the Stafford Rangers game, and then gave us a raffle ticket number so we could collect them after the final whistle.”

“Coming off Springfield Park at full time, one of these little blue carriages was navigating its way through the crowd when four lads held onto the back and stopped it in its tracks. Th’owd codger was revving like fuck and getting nowhere.”

“I left the replay on a stretcher. After we got the penalty we were all jumping up and down and I accidentally landed on some fellas foot. He yelled, pushed me away and I landed at the bottom of the Town End and tore my ankle ligaments. Didn’t even see the goal.”

  Wimbledon

“Standing next to an octogenarian morris dancer at a pub urinals prior to the match was unnerving, his bells were constantly jangling.”

   Wolverhampton Wanderers

“Before the match I saw a Chelsea fan attempt to insert a hot dog into a police horse’s anus.”

“Went to Bolton on a Special. We hadn’t left the station before our table collapsed, the interconnecting door came off its hinges and when someone used the toilet it flooded and ran all along the carriage floor.”

“My mate got ejected from the ground. After the game he was standing in just a pair of socks, because Mancunian youths had nicked his Sergio Taccini top, Lacoste shirt and even his trendy briefs. But they laughed at his Hi-Tec socks and left him with them on.”

“The shirt was thrown out from the directors’ box, I don’t even know which player it was. I jumped up with another fan and we caught it at the same time as each other. We “argued” over the ownership and then decided to share it. I ended up with the front.”

“Hartlepool at home, last game of the season, Bully scored a hat trick. One of the lads trying to get on the pitch from the South Bank via the moat lost his false leg. I think he still managed to get on.”

“The Exeter fans gave me a stuffed beaver. Don’t ask me why.”

“I got back to Falkland Street at about midnight and a lady of the night looked after me for 30 minutes until my Mum came to get me.”

“My brother was sorting a Transit from his work to go to Blackpool with about 10 mates. He rang and said there had been a problem with transport but it was sorted. He turned up in a 7 tonne truck which they all played football in on the way up the M6.”

“Freight Rover preliminary round at Exeter, we were walking up to the ground singing ‘We are Wolves’ when some bloke had the good grace to tell us it was the rugby ground.”

  Wrexham

“Feb 16 1974, Southampton 0 Wrexham 1. I met up with some friends from home at the ground, one thing led to another, and come midnight I was knocking on my parents door in Mold with a wife in London thinking I’d been abducted by aliens. When I got back I wished I had.”

“Portsmouth arrived in town so early they robbed a milk float on its round.”

  Wycombe Wanderers

” I can still remember the Goole crew, stood behind us, singing ‘we will, we will stab you’ to the tune of Queen’s ‘We will rock you’ (which, at the time, was little more than an obscure B side).”